Insomnia Always

I never learned how to sleep well. When I was very young, I learned how to convincingly pretend I was asleep, which obviously means I couldn’t really be sleeping then, or much of anytime else. Sleeping, to me, was synonymous with not good surprises. Pretending to sleep either got me ignored or got me some early warning.

By now, I just expect the late nights, and dopey tired days. I figure if I’m awake, I must be getting sooo much more done. Well, sort of. The fatigue zone-out sets in, and I realize I’m spending a lot of time thinking about doing stuff instead of actually just doing it. I think about going to sleep quite awhile before it actually happens.

After nearly 15 years in this very safe house, in this very safe neighborhood, I still startle awake. I still sleep better — such as it is — with a little light on.

As with so many areas of my life, I’ve learned to adapt and to take advantage of the times when I actually have some good, restful sleep. Even so, my hubby can fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, literally. I envy him that.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/17/insomnia-always/

Peter and Paul on Mary Travers' Passing

What a sad day. Mary Travers, part of the ’60s folk rock trio Peter, Paul & Mary, has died.

In a statement on Mary’s website, Peter Yarrow reflected on his lifelong admiration of Mary, and how she lived her life.

I believe that, in the most profound of ways, Mary was incapable of lying, as a person, and as an artist. That took great courage, and Mary was always equal to the task.

Noel Paul Stookey (the trio’s “Paul”) also stated:

i am deadened and heartsick beyond words to consider a life without mary travers and honored beyond my wildest dreams to have shared her spirit and her career.”

Here are partial lyrics to her “Poem for Erika/Poem for Baby”, that actually made me cry when I learned she had written it to her daughter. (And I realized that this is what genuine love from a mother is supposed to be/feel like):

I’ll walk in the rain by your side
I’ll cling to the warmth of your tiny hand
I’ll do anything to help you understand
I’ll love you more than anybody can

And the wind will whisper your name to me
Little birds will sing along in time
The leaves will bow down as you walk by
And morning bells will chime

I’ll be there when you’re feeling down
To kiss away the tears if you cry
And I’ll share with you all the happiness I’ve found
A reflection of the love in your eyes

And I’ll sing you the songs of the rainbow
Whisper of the joy that is mine
The leaves will bow down when you walk by
And morning bells will chime

Day is done, Mary. Rest in peace.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/17/peter-and-paul-on-mary-travers-passing/

Equal Time For the Guys (US Open)

Roger Federer had a really bad day.

You see someone who is so consistently flawless, for years, then it’s shocking to see him struggle and actually lose a five set match. The odds were really good that del Potro would lose, having a 0-6 past record with Federer. Roger helped him out with 11 double faults.

Congrats to del Potro! Great match.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/14/equal-time-for-the-guys-us-open/

Congrats to Kim Clijsters

The US Open Tennis Women’s Championship last night was definitely a Storybook Ending. It was a hard-fought match, without any histrionics or anybody cursing or breaking anything. Both Kim and Danish No. 9 seed Caroline Wozniacki played their hearts out. I believe it’s good for the sport to occasionally not have the Williams sisters play each other in the final of every Grand Slam. It’s just too boring and predictable.

As for Serena, I wonder if she is capable of seeing the irony in the T-shirt she was wearing earlier last week, which said, “You can’t have a dynasty without the nasty!”

Indeed.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/14/congrats-to-kim-clijsters/

It's Like School Is Starting

I mean, for me, personally. When I was a kid, I always welcomed the start of school as a marker for new adventures, new (non-life threatening) challenges, and new hope. I created ways to become increasingly lost in my studies, as a means of not dealing with my particular hell-for-a-childhood reality. Starting school was a legitimate avenue of escape after surviving some especially treacherous summers.

I am once again on the precipice of exploring myself in very public places. The Internet has changed dramatically in the last five years, both in scope and function. When I began The Survivors Forum on CompuServe 10+ years ago, it was pretty much the only game in town for a person with little computer expertize to set up a forum online. And it came with all manner of strings and compromises. (Not to mention, no real control over its fate: AOL, sadly, pulled the plug on The Survivors Forum around 2000.)

If I were looking to go that route again, wow! The difference is stunning. Now anyone can set up their own “social network” at places like Ning. And it’s free!

What I am more focused on this time around is developing my writing, which is where it all began as a child. I want to participate fully in the online experience, but leave time and head room to finish all the writing projects that have bounced around in my head for 10 years. It’s a fine line. I write better in an environment where I can bounce ideas off of people, but I also get majorly distracted in that environment.

I’ve got a lot of technical process to catch up on. (Like learning how to use ACT! software; getting in the swing of Facebook and Twitter, all that stuff, on top of writing daily.) But the “start of school” has once again excited me, this time for all the right reasons.

As with just about everything in me now, I am searching for a balance.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/13/its-like-school-is-starting/

I Have To Eat

You know, I spent most of my life trying to not eat, and feeling guilty and self-loathing when I did anyway, or using food as a control device — when it’s not controlling me — or actively not caring if I was committing slow suicide and eating whatever I damned well felt like eating. Me and food go way back.

As I mentioned in Dancing for Normal, my entire relationship with food changed radically when I decided to get serious about my Type 2 diabetes management. I eat according to my meter, I focus on protein and complex carbs, and lately my blood sugar numbers are actually getting too low for comfort. Like, out of the blue, a 58 yesterday, my all time (so far, hopefully the last time) low.

My endocrinologist and I are recalibrating the dosages of my diabetes meds. That sounded fairly uncomplicated when I saw her a few weeks ago. Just cut one pill in half and call her in four weeks. I know the dosage I was taking is too much, but cutting the pill in half sometimes results in a number too high. Depending on how carby my meal is, how stressed I am, how not ill I am. Sometimes there is no correlation whatsoever.

I’m really not interested in going back to numbers in the 120s. (80-100 is “normal range” for fasting blood sugar.) But when I get down to 58, for the first time in my life I’m realizing that I must eat. Literally, it’s medicinal, and not optional. Don’t treat the low, and you can pass out and not wake up again.

Doesn’t diabetes suck? When I have a green light — actually, a mandate — to eat something carby to treat a low, I really don’t want it now. Such rich perverse irony.

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Permanent link to this article: http://thirdofalifetime.com/2009/09/08/i-have-to-eat/