Third of a Lifetime

This is a disturbing story from last week that I keep coming back to. A Michigan father marched his 15 year old son to a vacant lot, made him strip naked, and shot him execution style upon learning the son had confessed to his mother about having sexual contact with his three year old half-sister.

No second chances.

The boy had told his mother that he knew it was wrong to touch the girl, but stated he had not taken his clothes off. His mother didn’t want to “sweep this under a rug”, so she called her husband to come home for a talk. He came home with a gun. The three year old was later examined at a hospital, and no evidence of rape or physical trauma was found.

But three year olds remember a lot. The mental trauma of molestation may not be visible, but it was registered somewhere inside. She may not have the words now to voice what happened, but beyond the fact of the molestation, at the very least she will grow up with more than a suspicion that both her brother and father left her life over something to do with her. Even if her family tries to shelter her from what happened, it’s received so much publicity that she is bound to hear about it at school someday, if not sooner.

The 15 year old, of course, should have never touched his half-sister, but he tried to do the right thing by telling his mother. She tried to do the right thing by telling her husband. The father broke that chain. I understand in some limited way why he did it, but I cannot condone it.

Over the years, I fantasized that someone somehow had stepped in and taken my primary abuser out long before he created my childhood nightmare. How many other children would have been spared by this one person’s non-existence? How would my life and my sister’s have been different? Would we have thrived? Would we have felt loved? Would my mother have been so punitive and disinterested in her younger children if she’d never met him? She had lots of issues all her own; he just magnified them.

It’s that little girl magical wish that I could just do it all over again, as if he never existed. If only.

Knowing what I know now, not only would it have done the world a noble service to rid itself of my abuser early on, but I would not have flinched or mourned if I’d learned later that he finally picked a fight with someone who could fight back and win. Hindsight provides that clarity. But we don’t know enough about this 15 year old boy to conclude that he merited death.

Even though this father permanently removed a perceived threat from his daughter’s life, and in his own way tried to protect her, his actions will haunt his family — and her — for the rest of their lives. I hope this little girl and her step mother (? I’m not sure if that’s the relationship) are able to adequately work through these issues over time with professional help. (Lots of time.) The boy’s actions were not going to be swept under the rug, and neither must the aftermath of this violence be swept away.

It’s sad, no matter how I look at it.

Only a few months ago, someone asked about a book that could help explain DID to your child. I knew such a book existed, but it was a dead-end at Amazon.

So I was delighted to find My Mom Is Different was preserved in .PDF format, and is available for free download at Sidran Institute. Sidran offers a range of books and other media related to trauma recovery, PTSD, and DID, and is an excellent resource.

With regard to My Mom Is Different, Sidran states:

This illustrated book for children is written from the point of view of the child of a multiple parent. It is an ideal vehicle with which to introduce the concept of multiplicity to the young children of newly diagnosed parents. Authored by a mother with MPD, My Mom Is Different addresses many of the concerns of such children; confusion about the parent’s relationship with a therapist (a relationship that many children find frightening); anger about hospitalization and fear of hospital visits; and the pain and disruption that a parent experiences when remembering past traumatic events (even though recovering memories is ultimately beneficial).

The tone of this book is hopeful, although it does not shy away from difficult subjects. For example, it addresses the longing of children of “different” parents to have “regular” parents, and their discomfort with discussing their parent’s situation with their friends. The book clearly explains to children what a “survivor” is, what an “alter” is, and how alters may behave.

My Mom Is Different will help parents, both those who are multiple and those who are not, talk effectively with their children about MPD, addressing how multiplicity works and how it may affect the feelings of the child. It discusses children’s fears that their dissociative parent no longer loves them or that the parent will go away and never come back. This book also deals with children’s embarrassment about a parent’s behavior, absences, bad days, and more.

Always positive, My Mom Is Different reinforces the idea that, even with the difficulties that dissociation may bring, a family with a multiple parent can be loving, supportive, and nurturing, and problems can be overcome.

Again, you can download for free the entire illustrated book in .PDF format here: My Mom Is Different.

Also new, and of note to anyone intrigued by The United States of Tara show on Showtime:

Sidran has been chosen by the Showtime Television Network to provide information and support to viewers and media concerning Dissociative Identity Disorder in connection with their program “The United States of Tara,” which premieres January 18.

To that end, Sidran has prepared a page of free DID Resources, along with links to the DID-related books and materials which they sell.

I’m working on a soon to launch project — at least I hope it’s soon — that is eating up a lot of free time, and which I used to justify not adding a new post here for a week. I am frustrated by how slow it’s moving, and by the fact that I fell into sleepy exhaustion last night, slept a full restful nine hours, and nothing got done while I was asleep!

It’s truly one of the perks of being DID. I used to get far more done in 24 hours, whether I was “consciously” aware of it or not. I had no “time management system” then, other than strident internal ones which often paid no mind to external issues. If they deemed a time imperative necessary, it got done.

I am no longer quite so obliviously controlled by internal agendas and forces. Once in awhile, sure. I still have people inside; but the ones who could stay up all night and act convincingly refreshed even before coffee seem to find these struggles amusing.

My issue with procrastination is not the culprit here. If anything, I am trying to do too many things at about the same time, which isn’t helpful. Multi-tasking sounds good until your neat and precise schedule gets flattened.

At least writing about the frustration is helping to clarify it some. . . . See? There art thou happy!*

(*Shakespeare’s genius of finding something good no matter what: The Friar tells Romeo after everybody’s dead, that at least Romeo is only banished! “There art thou happy!” Romeo didn’t get it, either.)