Third of a Lifetime

I really like the new Twitter Lists function; I already created about 10 Lists. (Go to my Twitter profile, and you can see them in the right column.) I have a lot on my plate lately, and I need all the organization I can get. It’s going to take some fine-tuning, but worth the time.

Before the Lists were rolled out, I somehow got the impression that not only could you create Lists to see all the feeds within that List segregated from your main feed, but that you could then tweet things that would only be seen by that particular List. Alas, not so. If there’s a third party app that does this for PCs, I’d truly appreciate someone pointing me to it.

Meanwhile, I came to a flat stop in my Twitter List enchantment when contemplating a List for tweeps/peeps who self-describe as either a child abuse survivor or a person with DID/MPD. On the one hand, they did self-describe, publicly. Somewhere. On the other hand, I’ve always felt a keen sense of responsibility for maintaining any survivor’s privacy to the extent I am able. Any List designated as “public” can be seen by anyone, and can be one-click followed by anyone. For these groups, that gives me pause, with good reason.

Over the last 15 years on the Internet, I’ve been targeted by (1) a guy pretending to be DID so he could talk to real DID people “to help flesh out the character in his novel”, which was not disclosed till much time had passed; (2) several ethically-challenged therapists (and at least one therapist wannabe) who “wanted some experience” with a DID client, without actually being their therapist; and (3) far too many people who get a thrill out of harassing vulnerable people. Also, I don’t have the issue of fearing someone (like a former abuser) might figure out who I actually am behind an online alias — but many survivors do.

So it made me a bit queasy to so helpfully, voluntarily, publicly, aggregate survivors for anyone to see and, perhaps, exploit. (At least don’t make it easy.) And that is where the public vs. private choice for Twitter Lists shines. I’ve made my survivor Lists private, and only I can see them. Even the people on the private List can’t see that they are on it. I tested this.

This works for me. Have you thought about these issues when creating your own Twitter Lists? How are you handling it?

It’s strange. I come from a family of avid photographers, but it’s not my hobby. I’ve never paid much attention to the (almost toy) camera my hubby plays with, other than knowing it’s digital and you can see the results instantly on the computer. I never asked him to take pictures of anything, really, till we went back on the Autumn in New England circuit tour Sunday. Oy.

We found stunning trees, shimmering in bright sunlight, appearing to be on fire with vivid red, purple, orange, and yellow hues. Some trees still have green leaves as well, and create a kind of rainbow bouquet. Wish I had some pictures to share with you.

The little toy camera made every tree, regardless of how it actually looked, appear to be a solid muted boring brownish orange. Every. Freaking. Tree.

Lesson No. 1: Life is short, stressing about a toy camera is pretty silly. And the trees really were gorgeous.

Lesson No. 2: I actually want to take pictures with a grownup camera. I love the digital aspect, because I wasted a lot of film on the old cameras. That’s precisely what made me not pursue it as a hobby.

So, DH. Christmas is right around the corner ….
[picapp src="7/5/0/a/b7.jpg?adImageId=6874874&imageId=1258527" width="234" height="171" /]

We drove around South of Boston last weekend, and the leaves were just beginning to get some color. Add one freaky October snowstorm, and it’s beginning to look gorgeous around here. Having spent most of my life in Los Angeles, I did not at all understand what the big deal was about “changing seasons” till I moved to Boston 15 years ago. I love this time of year!

The picture below is not from New England; it’s actually autumn in Kyoto, Japan — but I like it.

[picapp src="1/1/b/7/People_Enjoy_Autumnal_c705.jpg?adImageId=6411092&imageId=2900783" width="234" height="155" /]

We’re going to take the South of Boston tour loop again this weekend, and I’m hoping to have some homegrown autumn goodness to share.

Now that I’ve had a bit of sleep, I’m pondering current personal and professional goals, and how I might expect to attain them. Some goals are vague: “I want to write more.” Some are personally-driven: “I need more restful sleep.” Some cry out for priority: “I need more/better organization.”

Some of these goals, like “print a revised second edition of Becoming One“, are huge endeavors, and are overwhelming just trying to prioritize the 200 smaller things required for successful completion. Part of the stumble is that I’m still learning how to do some of those 200 things. I didn’t publish the first edition; I just know what I like about it, and what I want to add or clarify. And I’ve studied best publishing practices for several years now, in anticipation of this need. But actually publishing it, and doing that well, is daunting. My book is my most outward visible expression; it deserves a lot of time and thoughtful consideration.

Meanwhile, getting back into the Internet these last few months is a huge time commitment in itself. The most gratifying thing about the Internet is: for any type of interest, you can find all manner of resources, and how to do it, and other people who want to help you to learn. It’s a gigantic continuing education course, waiting for my brain to sponge it up. It’s a 24-hour playground for someone who just revels in knowledge. Of course, the most frustrating thing about the Internet is: it induces in me a kind of Attention Deficit on very small details. There are so many things to focus upon, you can end up focusing on nothing in particular.

Have I mentioned I am the queen of procrastination before? The other side of that is I want everything done now. Sometimes I can manage to do both, but that’s kind of a learned dissociative task-managing trait, and not all that satisfying.

What I do know is that getting overwhelmed in one area throws the rest of me into it by proxy, and it can take days to subside. (Evidence: I’m still emotionally lagging from getting the taxes done last week.) So my plan is to take these new goals, tasks, endeavors, and skill sets, at a measured pace.

Although it often seems like everything must be done right now, really, why? I’m coming to see it as a form of self-sabotage to try to replicate the 23-hour days that occurred back in the year when I was both finishing Becoming One for first publication, and personally setting up and staffing The Survivors Forum on CompuServe. I don’t need the self-inflicted stress.

That kind of drive may increase output, for awhile, but the costs always catch up. Always. I can do this differently this time, in a way which creates healthier outcomes for me.

After feeling like I was holding my breath for the last ten days, the (2008!) tax materials went to the accountant on Monday. And I still didn’t feel like I could exhale. It was as done as it was going to be, and I couldn’t sleep, and have spent the last two days in an anxiety-unwind extravaganza! Like, in a total sleepless zombie stupor.

Get a freakin’ grip already! Life is way too short to spend more than ten minutes like this.

I say something like that every time the taxes are finished, and make those awful internal-only New Year’s type resolutions that never get kept to really really not ever do that again.

Really.

So I am hereby making a public declaration of my intent to finish the 2009 taxes by April 15th of next year. No agonizing over it till October! The word of the day is Accountability.

The energy freed up will be astounding.

If there’s anything I procrastinate more than getting the taxes done, I don’t know what it is. The insane part is that we are due a refund. And here I am, pressed on a deadline once again. I don’t want to find out what happens when you need an extension for your extension.

I believe it’s because, in gathering the necessary tax documentation, I relive some scary stuff that happened in the previous year, medically and financially. My hubby, very suddenly, needed heart bypass surgery a year ago in August. I pretty much lived at the hospital for 11 days, and the recovery period was slow, with an extra overnight hospital stay thrown in. He’s okay now, and I’m grateful. I just don’t like reliving the anxiety of that period as I tabulate out of pocket costs for our taxes.

I think that’s, generally, the crux of it. You gather up all the “things” that constitute your tax life, and it reminds you of where you were last year. Maybe you’re in a better place now, maybe not. Maybe you met certain goals, maybe not. For me, it’s never about the money. It’s always about getting concrete on something I’d rather not go to again.

Now to just make that little bit of knowledge work for me somehow….

Today is National Day Without Stigma, organized by ActiveMinds.org.

Active Minds is the only organization working to utilize the student voice to change the conversation about mental health on college campuses. By developing and supporting chapters of a student-run mental health awareness, education, and advocacy group on campuses, the organization works to increase students’ awareness of mental health issues, provide information and resources regarding mental health and mental illness, encourage students to seek help as soon as it is needed, and serve as liaison between students and the mental health community.

Through campus-wide events and national programs, Active Minds aims to remove the stigma that surrounds mental health issues, and create a comfortable environment for an open conversation about mental health issues on campuses throughout North America.

To find local information about programs today visit Active Minds Programs. To find an Active Minds chapter located near you, click on this map. You can also find information regarding how to start a new chapter in your area.

Starting today, October 4, 2009, is National Mental Illness Awareness Week. Follow the link to find NAMI (National Alliance On Mental Illness) links to PBS programming and other resources.

You can find your local NAMI affliliate to find programs and resources in your state. For example, you can find the Massachusetts NAMI information in this PDF.

And she looks radiant doing so.

Elizabeth Smart began testifying today against her former captor, Brian David Mitchell, during a hearing to determine if he is competent to stand trial.

It’s hard to believe that seven years have passed since she was rescued. In the few times I’ve seen her speak (on Oprah), she consistently presented herself as a poised, compassionate, and engaging person. She has a striking aura of self-assuredness and self-esteem, and complete authenticity. All the more remarkable for what she endured.

It may be an unfair burden, but she is the embodiment of hope for so many people, for so many reasons. Hope for parents that their child may yet be found, alive and still the person they knew before. Hope for survivors, that there is a way through it. We all need that hope.

She inspires me.