Third of a Lifetime

Okay, too far too fast. I’m trying to do too many things all at once and there’s only one of me. Sort of. I seriously don’t know how people who were never multiples get everything done.

I am trying to organize and time-manage/orchestrate reading, writing, marketing, typesetting, and taxes so they all fit neatly into my day. And then maybe have breakfast. The enormity of any of these categories sometimes overwhelms me, so I’m breaking them into smaller elements. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not so much.

Today I spent a lot of time trying to determine what the big deal is about Facebook. Admittedly, I’m probably one of the last five or so people on earth who made it this far Facebook-free. It bugged me that you had to create an account to see anything of what it’s really like. You give your name, your birthday, and other personal info that all seems (to me) to add up to an Identity Thief’s exquisite dream. I don’t get what the benefit to me is supposed to be.

I’ve never been what anyone might term an early adopter.

There’s a recent TV commercial (a not very effective one, because I cannot recall what they were selling) where the people start talking over each other in random gibberish, and then we learn it’s “search engine overload”. It struck me as a fairly good representation of what it’s like inside the dissociative head, especially prior to getting a handle on internal cooperation.

I was once prescribed Ritalin for what I thought was my short attention span. It now seems ridiculously obvious that Ritalin doesn’t do much for dissociative disconnects.

So what does?

You can either fight the internal system, or choose to be a part of it. Those are the only choices I have found for myself. I was fighting the system for all those years before I was even aware that a system existed. Fighting the system just wears me down, and makes me feel unstable. Not good! But cooperation doesn’t equate to capitulation, either.

To me, internal cooperation is an honor and integrity system. Agreements are made, behaviors modified or held in check, necessary functions get done — all based upon a trust that others’ needs will also be met. Find out exactly what matters to each insider, exactly what they seek, and create a way to provide it for them. The process requires patience and a willingness to see from another’s viewpoint, but life becomes much less complicated, and much more satisfying and productive, this way.

The alternative is to spend much of my time frustrated and trapped in negativity. I try not to go there anymore.

I know far too many people who are hurting in this economy, and have been for a very long time. Unemployment impacts real people, not numbers. It impacts choices, and squanders opportunities. And still, we are told it is somehow patriotic to buy something.

Things I’ve been buying lately:

• “Forever” postage stamps — good for a one ounce letter no matter how much the price of stamps go up after you buy them.
• Vitamins and generic Benadryl in bulk — much cheaper this way. (Disclaimer: I am just a happy customer with constant allergies, no other interest in Wonderlabs.)
• Always stock up on “buy one get one free” sales if you would be buying the product anyway.
• Never pay shipping on Amazon orders; consolidate orders to the $25 minimum for free shipping, or use their “subscription” ordering which always has free shipping regardless of the order total.

Things we’re not buying: movie tickets; Apple anything; vacations; any major discretionary item. We somehow must budget a new furnace into the mix before winter, which is about as non-discretionary as it gets.

If we get a “cash for old furnaces” subsidy, I am soooo there.

In that perfected “no one could ever have imagined” gov-speak way, on the yuckiest three days of the year thus far, Massachusetts state public swimming pools were closed due to the lack of a crystal ball. And will remain closed till next year.

According to the public servant moron on local news last night (couldn’t find the video or his name), he “didn’t have a crystal ball” to tell him it might get a little toasty in mid-August. (Ever hear of The Weather Channel? Farmer’s Almanac? Do you actually live here?) Even if the 21 state pools were reopened, there isn’t enough chlorine or life guards to go with them.

So … how much does this guy get paid to plan ahead, even without the crystal ball?

When I was first diagnosed with diabetes about 20 years ago, my original hbA1c test was 13.4. The A1c gives a good snapshot measure of your blood sugar levels over the last three months, weighting heavier to the last six weeks.

The people who set the standards moved the goal posts several times through the years. The high end of the “normal” range was 7.0 at my first test, and my test was nearly double that. The upper range has since been lowered to 6.5, and now to 6.0.

Research shows that the lower your A1c is, the more you can stop diabetic complications in their tracks. Like, in some cases, the nerve endings in your toes can regenerate and you begin feeling them again. The lower you can maintain your blood sugar levels, the less likely you will be to go blind or lose kidney function. Or a foot.

My last A1c in May was 6.8. The best ever to date, and I was thrilled. But not nearly as much as I am today, where for the first time ever my A1c fell into “normal” range at 5.9. Woooohoooooo!

While I usually don’t think shooting for normal is all that great an idea — why settle for normal? — there are times, such as this one, where a happy dance is merited. And I’m dancin’!

At what point does what you do routinely turn into a distraction?

Everything that interests me, I look at with a “dry sponge meet drip” mentality. No drop left behind. I want to know it all, whether it’s about the economy, the stock market, multiplicity, book marketing, the Red Sox, diabetes, cats, weight loss surgery, or general preparedness. I am often reading five disparate topics throughout the day, while keeping an eye on a mute CNBC. The more complex stuff I catch up on over the weekend.

It’s good to have interests. In my darkest days, I played video games endlessly. What I most sought was “mindlessness”. (Be really careful what you wish for.) As I slowly came out of that phase, I added interests and related activities to the point now where I have things to read/do 24 hours a day if I really wanted to.

So I went from “mindless” to “fascinated” in my usual all or nothing style. My head is booked up for the next six months! But I wonder if the “busy-ness” I created, and which certainly served a valid purpose in drawing me back into my own life, is now weighing on what I say I want to accomplish.

• I want to get back into serious writing time.
• I want to explore in depth how my journey has changed since Becoming One was first published.
• I want to develop this blog and the “missing links” into a valuable resource.

Something that has always eluded me is the concept of balance. (Ya think?) That sounds almost like a non-sequitor, but it’s actually the key here. I need to find and “get” balance — without somehow turning it into something newly all-consuming.

Some people are affected seasonally in winter with depression. I, however, do my best work in the dead of winter, and keep the thermostat around 62. But summer heat makes me lethargic and the humidity here induces nausea. Not to mention, this laptop really heats up! (Which is a bonus heat source at 62. At 92, not so much.) I know it’s not normal for Boston, but I was loving the lack of a summer here, which didn’t show up till the end of July.

I am fortunate in that I don’t have to go out and about much in either extreme heat or cold. Can’t complain about my commute. But in really high steamy heat I lose motivation, and feel like I am just marking time till the next thunderstorm rolls in to cool us down.

Can we be done with summer now, please?

/whine off

Many abuse survivors are hyper-sensitive to things that remind them — or trigger a response in them — of a danger or grievous wrong that happened long ago. It feels fresh, though. It may appear quite innocently, as in a song not heard in years, or a certain smell from the kitchen or someone’s perfume. And if you don’t know why you are feeling it, your confusion and anxiety grow.

I used to run from triggers because I point blank did not wish to feel whatever was triggered yet again. I would put up a wall (literally, inside) to put that “bad” feeling or memory in a locked box. All that negativity was forced inward, and then always seeped into nightmares, inappropriate behaviors, and isolation. To avoid that set of consequences, I would just eat myself numb.

It works until it doesn’t.

Even now, when I’m 99% sure I know why I am being triggered, I zoom into the conditioned responses — which are really counter-productive and frustrating. The overriding need to control my diabetes has been a helpful stop at the “eating myself numb” place. But then I’m stuck with a swirl of feelings which need to be addressed and resolved. Sometimes many, many times, depending on how deep the wound goes.

The wound doesn’t just go away by itself. Facing those fears, and coming to healthy resolution about them, is part of the hard work of therapy. The process really sucks at times, and requires what feels like endless repetition to get it. But the lightness you feel when you get to the other side of it is liberating.

Is it possible that there is a low carb, high fiber, high protein pasta out there, that actually tastes like regular pasta? Yes! Dreamfield’s! They explain the process they use to end up net 5 grams of carbs per half cup serving.

If you’re diabetic, you’ll need to test how it affects you, but it’s well worth the try if you miss pasta like I did.

Their website offers a store locator, recipes, and a $1 off coupon for signing up for their newsletter. You can also buy their products directly from them or buy it by the case from Amazon.

USUAL DISCLAIMERS: I have no interest in this company other than loading up on their elbow macaroni.

I gave up trying to lose weight years ago. There are so many issues from childhood that go directly to why I gained weight, and why I tenaciously hang onto it. I grew weary of fighting with myself (and me and I) about it.

A year ago, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, and was admitted with scary-bad blood sugar and blood pressure numbers. I’ve taken diabetes meds for 15 years, but had never tested my blood at home, in large part because as a child I had needles stuck into my fingers for punishment. Just couldn’t go there voluntarily.

Well, I decided that I could, in fact, go there when I got home. So a year ago, I began testing my blood 4-6 times a day. My doctor wanted me to go on insulin, but I asked for six months to see if I could improve my diet to make a difference in my numbers. I learned very quickly that my life as a carboholic had to end. (But carbs are a basic food group! waaaaaaa)

Without changing any of the medications I was then taking, in the last year, I lowered my HbA1c test from 9.3 to 6.8. That’s a measure of my blood sugar for the 2-3 months prior to the test. The minimum goal to shoot for is 6.5, and my next test in a few weeks should go well below that. I am now hitting “normal” non-diabetic numbers to such an extent that I’m actually going too low too often, and am starting to dial back the med doses.

That success is sweet, but the most stunning surprise was that in the last 10 weeks I lost 14 pounds. Not at all because I am “dieting” but because I am eating to control my diabetes. Trying to lose weight is hard-wired in me to fail. Trying to lower my blood sugar numbers is becoming hard-wired in me to succeed.

That is the secret. I wish I’d figured this out 15 years ago, but it’s mine, now.